1) This is a real dating situation of Nancy, 20, from Urbandale, Iowa.
She is
a former student worker for Dr. Weitz:
My date and I had been watching a movie and were
bringing the night to a close. I was getting
ready to leave his room.
"I need to use the bathroom, I'll be right
back," he says.
He left and I waited. When he returned, he had
a condom in his hand.
I looked at him, then at the condom.
"What are you doing? I'm not going
to have sex with you!" I exclaimed.
"But I...I...thought...," he stammered.
"Well obviously you thought wrong. You
don't know me at all! We've only known
each other a few weeks! I'm so offended," I
answered.
"Alright, alright, well, I was a bad judge of
the situation," he said.
"I guess..."
As awkward as it was, I'm glad I confronted the
situation head on when I could first see what he was thinking.
This allowed me to stop the ideas in his head from progressing any further.
We have stayed friends since this occurrence, but I
decided not to pursue a relationship with him.
2) This is a real experience of Hannah, 19, from
St. Louis, Missouri. She is a current student worker for Dr.
Weitz:
During my freshman year of college, I lived in a co-ed dorm, and
after a month at school, I started to develop an interest in one
of the guys that lived on the same hall as me. He liked me back
and we started to explore the idea of dating. One night, we
decided to go for a walk. We walked for a long time, and then
sat down because we had started talking about being in a
relationship together. I was excited about dating; however, sex
was not something I wanted in a relationship at the time. I
decided to face this issue head on. This is how the
conversation went:
[After sometime of talking]
"Are you going to want sex in this relationship?" -Me
"Yes, with my last
girlfriend, I waited a year for her and I don’t want to wait
that long again," he stated.
"Well, I am not going to
sleep with you." -Me
"Maybe I could change your
mind." - Him
"No, you are not going to
change my mind on this." -Me
The conversation changed to other topics after
that and then we walked back to the dorms. I decided not to
pursue a relationship with this guy even though the topic was
presented again. We are friends now and I can confidently say
that I am thankful that we pursued a friendship rather than a
dating relationship in the long run.
3) This is a real experience of Stephanie, 21, from
Bloomington, Illinois:
One night my junior year, I was hanging out with
a male friend whom I had known since my freshman year of
college. We had lived in the same dorm and been close
friends since then. Earlier in the evening, we had been to a
small get-together that ended early. Since the night was
still young, we decided to go back to his place to watch a
movie.
I was leaning against the back of the couch while
he was booting up his computer when he came over next to me and
leaned against the couch. He reached over and gently
lifted up the hem of my shirt. I did not know what he was
doing; my mind went blank and I did not move. I grew
nervous and asked myself, "What should I do?" "What is he
doing?" "Should I be letting this happen?"
Then I realized that he was looking at my new
tattoo. It is just below my ribcage on my left side, and
my shirt needs to be lifted to see it.
"Oh, that's right! I haven't shown that
to you yet, have I?" I said, then taking my shirt into
my own hands.
"Nope, does it still hurt?" he replied.
"No, it's been nearly two months since I had
it done, so it's pretty well healed."
Then I put my shirt back down. I was not
sure what to do with myself, so I stared at the floor in front
of me. He moved around so that he was standing in front of
me, and gently wrapped his arm behind my back and pulled me off
of the back of the couch into a hug. This was awkward, but
it was not aggressive or forceful.
He started massaging my back, but I became more
and more nervous as his hands moved further and further down my
back. I thought to myself, "I have to stop this while I
can; this is a bad idea." Then I pushed myself away so
that I was looking into his face.
"Umm...I feel kind of uncomfortable with
this. Can we watch the movie now?"
"Sure. I'm sorry...I didn't mean
anything by it."
"It's okay," I said.
Although my language was not very assertive, I
did look him straight in the eye. My face conveyed my fear
and uneasiness
to him. I feel that the combination of these two factors
convinced him to respect me and stop.
Immediately following this conversation, we sat
down on the couch and watched the movie. Surprisingly, it
was not awkward. He treated me respectfully. We have
never discussed this incident. Despite this, I am not
uncomfortable around him. I do feel that our relationship
has been strained somewhat, but we still spend time together.
4) This is a real conversation held by Kristy, 21,
from Columbia, Missouri. She is a former student worker for Dr. Weitz:
This conversation occurred on a Sunday
evening on AOL Instant Messenger. I was not expecting
any of this to happen, but a guy I had known for about two
and a half years sent me a nice message and we ended up
talking for two
hours. We have the same major, many of the same classes,
and we also have several common interests. We had
spent time together before with mutual friends, so I felt
comfortable saying these things directly to him. I believe these facts resulted in
the honest conversation we had. I asked him many
questions before I asked him about his views on sex while
dating. We talked about swing dancing, movies, our
family, our past relationships; we even talked about how we
both want to have children when we grow up. It was a
really good conversation and even though this all happened
rather quickly, I am glad I was prepared to ask questions to lead up
to the question that really mattered to me: What did he think
about sex and dating?
| |
This conversation
began with him saying, "I missed you at swing dancing
last Saturday. I was a sad panda." I thought
that was funny so we got to talking from about 11:00
P.M. Sunday night until 1:00 A.M. Monday morning.
I can't recall our initial conversation, but I assume we
talked about how I missed dance practice because I was
tired and wanted to watch a movie instead. I
mentioned that Rent was one of my favorite movies
because I knew he liked it too. |
| Him: |
So, do you want to
watch Rent on Saturday? |
| Me: |
Sure, I love that
movie. |
| Him: |
Well, I can't wait for
you to come over. |
| |
At this time I knew
pretty much what he was thinking. We had both been
flirting and testing the waters, so I knew it would be
okay to ask him about the important issue - sex.
This may seem hasty, but
all I can tell you is that it was a very natural
progression and I had no hesitations. I knew that
he would be honest with me and if the outcome was
negative I knew not to waste my time. I knew
he would be honest with me because of the face-to-face
conversations we had had in the past. During one
conversation in particular, we shared a lot of personal
and private things with each other.
|
| Him: |
We should kiss. |
| Me: |
??? |
| Him: |
Yeah, that would be a
good experience. |
| Me: |
Don't you think we are
moving too fast? We should probably watch the
movie first. You have to get to know me again, we
haven't seen each other for a while. |
| Him: |
True. I haven't
even seen you naked yet. |
| Me: |
I know, there's a
reason for that. You're not going to see me like
that until I'm ready. |
| Him: |
L |
| Me: |
Don't be a sad panda,
we'll spend time together and see how things go. |
| Him: |
But I so want to make
love to you right now. |
| |
I paused here to
take in this statement because I had not seen it coming.
I admit that I had thought about similar things, but I
was not ready to tell him that. The fact that he
was so open about it made me feel justified in saying
what I really believe - that I want to wait until
marriage for a sexual relationship. |
| Me: |
What? For real?
Seriously? |
| Him: |
Oh yes, definitely for
real. |
| Me: |
Well, I probably won't
be ready for quite awhile. |
| Him: |
Okay. |
| Me:
|
Is that a problem?
Because I know you know that I'm worth waiting for. |
| Him: |
I know. |
| |
After we talked for
a few more minutes, I finally decided I should bring up
the issue of sex very directly. We had strayed
from the very serious talk and were now discussing our
favorite pastimes. I found out that he
likes to ride horses, golf and play video games, and
that he doesn't like to cook. I told him that I
love dancing and playing piano, and that I like to cook,
watch movies, and spend time with my family. Then
I knew it was time to bring it up because we had been
talking for two hours and I wanted to go to bed. |
| Me: |
I just have to tell you
something. I am not going to have sex with you. |
| Him: |
Ummmmm. Okay. |
| Me: |
I just want you to know
that I am not going to have sex until I am happily
married. |
| Him: |
Well, I support that. |
| Me: |
Great, then I can't
wait to see you on Saturday. |
This conversation
was definitely worth it, because we are now happily together
and have been for several months.