Nonverbal Rejection

 

 

On this page:

Rejection

Table of Contents

 

  

 

Physical Rebuffs

  • Victims' physical rebuffs were relatively restricted in terms of their aggressiveness.

The nonverbal cues indicating rejection were: 

  • “She pushed me away with her hands” (Interviewee 1)

  • “She got kinda loud with it and kinda pushed away, tryin’ to shove away a  little bit.” (Interviewee 6)

  • “She pushed me away, off of her.” (Interviewee 11)

  • "Then I went up to her tittie, and she put my hand down.” (Interviewee 13)

  • “When I started undoing her bra, she stopped me there, at first.  She would take her hand and do like that [bat it away] when I'd go to undo her bra.  I tried taking her pants off; she stopped me there--said she ‘Couldn't do it’ again and rushed for the door.” (Interviewee 13)

  • “She kinda pushed my arm off or somethin’.” (Interviewee 17)

  • "She kinda jerked back a little bit for a second.” (Interviewee 17)

  • “So she comes into bed, but she puts space in between us.” (Interviewee 18)

  • The rather subdued quality of both verbal and nonverbal means of disapproval used by female victims toward sexual advances by male sex offenders could be attributed to fear of escalated physical aggression. 

  • Women voiced these apprehensions and/or their male perpetrators perceived the fear from their victims. 

 

Assessments by Perpetrators

For instance, here are some of the assessments by men: 

  • “From what I understand, she was scared for her kids--afraid I was going to murder her kids.” (Interviewee 1)

  • “She was scared.” (Interviewee 3)

  • “She was a little fearful.” (Interviewee 7)

  • “Her face was like...now I can see that her face was like ‘No, No!’ but, I know that I have no choice.” (Interviewee 12)

  • “The way it sounded was, she was scared.  It was kind of a ‘No.’  I said, “Well, come on.”  I pulled off her underwear and lifted up her shirt.” (Interviewee 18)

 

Victims' Other Emotions

  • Besides fear, other emotions reportedly experienced by some female victims included disgust and anger. 

Examples of these messages included this one, from a victim who was mourning the death of her husband:

She let me know that she...she sort of attacked me verbally.  She said, “How could you possibly want to be intimate when I’m going through what I’m going through?”  At that point, I was probably rationalizing that “You’re feeling like this because you didn’t want me to think this is what you want to do.  But, you really probably want to do it.”  (Interviewee 11)

  • This is a classic illustration of the rape myth held by Interviewee 11, and shared by considerable numbers of men, that women intrinsically want sex and only refuse it to be in compliance with social mores.

 

Passivity by Female Victims

  • During in-depth personal interviews with male perpetrators of date rape, I noticed a behavioral pattern that was common to most of the incidents.  Specifically, men described how they observed that their female victims were highly passive during sexual intercourse. 

  • I interpreted these behaviors to mean that these women utilized the only way left to them to communicate to sex offenders their rejections of the sexual act.  It is important to understand how this was perceived by men and how it affected their sexual experiences.

  • The passive nature of their female victim dramatically affected the amount of pleasure and, in some cases, achievement of sexual orgasm for some date rapists.

  • Four cases have been exempted from this analysis because the situation did not allow the female victim to adopt a passive demeanor.

  • Interviewees 4 and 9 had sexual intercourse with women who were unconscious; another male, Interviewee 3, forced the female to perform oral sex only, due to his disabling intoxication; and finally, Interviewee 18 performed what he termed “hate fucking,” where, as the perpetrator described:

It’s just for the man.  It’s quick.  It’s hard.  There’s nothin’ there for the woman.  It’s pretty much like if you despise the woman.  You’re just doin’ it to get your rocks off.  So we’re havin’ sex.  It’s rough.  Rough.

  • Among those situations that could be included here, some recollections of Interviewee 2 described disinterest of the female victim during sexual intercourse.  He stated:

Instead of putting her hands around me and putting her hands on my back and all that, she was just laying there.  It wasn’t any fun for me.  After a few minutes, I just stopped.  I think I said “Well, I’m ready to go if you are.”  Just coitus interruptus kind of thing.  I don’t remember specifically what I said.

  • There were other, similar incidents briefly profiled as follows: 

    • “She was just laying there.” (Interviewee 2)

    • “She was kinda passive, laid back, not participating. (Interviewee 8)

    • “She really didn’t get into it a whole lot.” (Interviewee 10)

    • “She was motionless.” (Interviewee 11)

    • “I would say just passive.  Just laying there.  I don’t think she had an orgasm....I think she adjusted as far as the sexual act--as far as you can have easier or deeper penetration, but outside of self-adjusting for the sex act itself, she was passive.” (Interviewee 15)

    • "Then we started having intercourse, and it was kinda like--I don’t know whether it was because she didn’t know what to do, or whether it was because I was experienced and she wasn’t, but she kinda just laid there.  She wasn’t rubbin’ all over me, grabbin’ me, and gropin’ me."  (Interviewee 17)

     

  • The last informant tried to rationalize his female victim’s minimal involvement in the sexual act, attributing her passivity to “inexperience;” he did not even consider that her behavior may have been due to the fact that she was being sexually assaulted.

  • Remarkably, even years later the date rapists that I interviewed still did not understand the reasons for their victims' passive behavior.  They were so motivated by their own self-centered intent that the only expectations they envisioned were blissful moments of their own sexual gratification. 

 

 

 

  Return to Research Findings