“Twenty Questions to Get to Know You” is a set of inquiries developed for girls and women to use on dates.  These are meant to help the female get to know her date and recognize any possibly aggressive sexual tendencies that he might have.  Ultimately, the goal is to prevent sexual assault. 

In the fall of 2008, my two student workers, Hannah, Kristen, and I formulated six focus groups to verify that the questions we developed would be acceptable and “workable” to male and female dates.  Four of the focus groups originated from my Public Speaking and Interpersonal Communication courses [Three female groups and one male].  The twenty- six volunteer participants received extra credit in the classes in which they were currently enrolled, as well as refreshments. In addition, there were sixteen female social sorority members participating in the study.  These volunteers enjoyed pizza and beverages as well as satisfaction from possibly helping girls and women avoid sexual assault on dates through refining the “Twenty Questions” so females would be more comfortable with the proposed “script.”

These six focus groups also “tackled” the challenge of personalizing one of the three date rape prevention scripts that I constructed as part of my doctoral dissertation.  My student workers and I wanted to develop a verbal message through the focus group participants’ input that would be more typical and consistent with the thinking and language of girls and women as opposed to a middle-aged male university professor.  I am pleased to report that we were highly successful.  The Truman student volunteers’ contributions to this date rape prevention website’s recommendations were invaluable.  The result of their work is clearly illustrated in the newly refined verbal communication “scripts” that females can utilize on a date.

The student focus groups generated so many insights, through comments beyond their suggestions for revisions of the verbal scripts, that we constructed a “Red Flags” list to enable female dates to be aware of male behavior.  Because not all of the “Twenty Questions” are likely to be asked in a dating situation, the “Red Flags” list can give a little more insight into a male’s true personality/intention.  A girl or woman should be attentive to words and actions that can warn her that she is likely with a boy or man that has overly aggressive sexual intent.  The “Red Flags” list is followed by a “Things you can do" section geared towards females.  This list gives ideas for females as to what they should say/do on a date, as well as what might give male date partners the wrong impression.

"Twenty Questions"

 The first two sections of the “Twenty Questions to Get to Know You” are typical of a first date between two people who are trying to get to know each other.  The following sections go a little deeper to try and help the female date to understand how her date feels about sex in a new relationship such as this one.  Also, these sections are typically addressed after some time in a steady relationship.

These questions are just examples.  The female date can ask as many or as few of these questions as she likes, modifying them as she feels is necessary.  The main point is for the girl or woman to start a good conversation with her date so that she feels comfortable asking him about his perspective on having sex while dating and moving into a more serious relationship.

***Remember to give him feedback too (e.g., What kind of people do you hang out with? What did you like about a guy in a past relationship?).  Asking multiple questions may make him feel attacked, so try and keep it conversational. (You may want to consider sometimes expressing your opinion first, and then get his response.) Remember, these first two sections are common on an initial date.  After these two sections, the questions become more geared to a couple in a relationship.

Stage Progression:

Interests – establish common ground; start to examine nature (aggressive, competitive)

1. What kind of music do you like?
2. What kind of movies / TV do you like to watch?
3. What kind of sports do you enjoy? Did you play any in high school or college?
4. What do you spend most of your time doing?
5. What kind of people do you hang out with?   What do you like to do with your friends?
6. What are your favorite things to do?
7. What are you involved with at school?
8. What is your major?  Do you have any minors?
9. What do you value most in your life? (e.g., family, friends, parents, material items, activities, etc.)

History – try and find out about his family past (e.g., Type of relationship between him and his brothers as well as/or sisters)

1. Where did you grow up?
2. Where did you go to high school / college?
3. Do you have any siblings?  How well do you get along with them/do you have a good relationship with them?
4. Do you get along well with your parents?  Do you hang out or do activities as a family?

*** The next sections are questions that you might want to have in your mind if a relationship is pursued.  Usually, the following sections are addressed during relationships after time.  Many of the questions do not even have to be asked but rather could come up in conversation, but again, they are good reminders.  It is good to have an outline of these questions in the back of one’s mind as a reference on a date, whether one says them aloud or not. 

Values – try and examine more of his mindset

1. What qualities do you look for in a girl/woman?
2. What qualities do you dislike in a girl/woman?

Past Relationships – if he is willing to discuss, ask about past relationships [NOTE: these conversations usually occur when the relationship between two people begins to progress into something more serious].

1. When was your last relationship? Was it serious? How long was it?
2. How long was your longest relationship?
   1. (This could be a very sensitive topic so a girl must use her discretion.  If the question is answered, the girl can evaluate the guy based on time frames; for example, a lot of short relationships could mean that he is not willing to commit and may be sexually overaggressive.)
3. Do you still talk to your ex – girlfriend? If not, why not? 
4. What happened in your last relationship that ended it?
   1. (This is a more personal question which could be a sensitive topic.)

Morals

1. Are you a religious person?  Do you have spiritual beliefs that you value?
2. How do you feel about politics?

1. (These questions might help get a feel for what he believes).

Expectations in a Dating Relationship

1.   Based on your experiences, how do you feel about sex in a dating relationship?

2. When do you think it is appropriate?
   1. (Girl/woman can add her input here about how she feels about sex and when the timing is right.)

Progress to Less Sensitive Topic

1. What do you want to do in the future with your life?
2. Where do you want to be in five / ten years?
3. Do you want to move anywhere or travel out of the country?

 Date Rape Prevention Scripts

• Dr. Weitz offers several alternative scripts that the female may put in   her own words and use with her date. 

•  Below are three versions that vary in their directness.   

• The important common factor is direct and explicit statements.

• Considering the complexity of human interaction, one should be aware that these recommendations will NOT necessarily guarantee a person protection from sexual assault.

*** The tone you use is important here.  For example, if it seems too stuck up, he could misunderstand your intentions and become defensive. It is always important, however, to use direct, explicit language; furthermore, you need to be confident so he understands.  Also, it is good to address the issue before you go anywhere alone with him.  Then, if he starts to become too aggressive you can in essence say “I told you this was not going to happen.”

Important Note from Dr. Weitz to the Website’s Readers:

During summer 2009, I learned a lot of “lessons” from my predominantly female student focus group participants. It was then that I had the time to listen to the six audiotape cassette recordings.  A consistent message conveyed throughout the sessions was that the three date rape prevention scripts were entirely too bold and presumptuous in nature for a female date to express with a new male partner especially, as one female focus group volunteer stated, “if he has not given me any signs [ i.e., possible sexual initiatives].”  In fact, they also expressed that if a girl or woman is with a boy or man and she feels it necessary to express such  a warning of severe repercussions (as cited in the third script option) concerning undesired sexual advances then the female should not have considered dating that person in the first place.

Student Based Scripts and Its Contextual Situation

Instead, the focus group participants consistently and repeatedly concluded that the first and most preferable date rape prevention script alternative would be limited to a situation where a female date is considering going back to a male partner’s dormitory room, apartment, or house.  At that time, it would make sense to warn the male of her desires.  Here are numerous excerpts from the focus group participants’ comments: 

• “If he invites you back to his house, he might be expecting…” 
• “If you are going to his home or a blind date…” 
• “He invites you to his place just for something…”
• “If it is obviously going somewhere physically…”
• “Use these [scripts] if the date progresses rapidly...” 
• “If some guy did invite me back to his dorm to hang out something along those lines [i.e., she is referring to the scripts, specifically, the first alternative.].”

Even then, the female focus group participants were uncomfortable with the proposed language in the scripts.  They desired more subtlety to the approach while still possessing clarity.  I have an aversion to paraphrasing and/or summarizing people’s remarks because they lose significant meaning, so I will include direct quotations so you the readers can grasp the distinction between my script options and the suggested revisions as well as the rationale behind this strategy.

As with the “Twenty Questions,” the focus group participants would prefer to have these delicate subjects (i.e., values, past relationships, morals, and expectations in a dating relationship), as well as the prevention script, be integrated into a normal conversation.  As one volunteer worded it, “work it into the conversation” as opposed to bluntly stating the remark.  The sentiment expressed about the purpose of the “Twenty Questions” was nicely phrased by another participant, “You are simply curious to know more about him.  The guy should not feel interrogated.”  As one girl warned about the date rape prevention script, the male date should not sense he is being “accused.”

Related to this perspective, the focus group participants offered some useful suggestions on wording for female dates.  They are the following:

• “I just want us to have a really good time and not have any confusion so…”
• “I am not ready for this.  If this is what you want in the relationship now, then I guess I am not the right person.” 
• “I don’t normally go back to a guy’s home on the first date.”
• “I don’t want to have sex until we get to know each other very well.  I want to wait until we are both ready.”
• [Before deciding to visit a male date’s place,] “You might ask him, ‘What are you planning?’” 
• “What do you want to do when we get back to your house?” 

As I previously stated, the focus group participants firmly expressed the importance that a female date’s remarks should not appear as an “interrogation,” thus creating an “awkward” situation with her male partner.  This could jeopardize the budding interpersonal relationship.  The student volunteers clearly emphasized what I have stated throughout my website concerning my proposed date rape prevention scripts: specifically, you will have to customize the language to what you are comfortable stating to your male date.  The focus group participants provided us with a more defined context for the approach and the conversational language you might consider in your relatively direct and explicit response to potential sexual aggression in a dating relationship.

1. [Male Dating Partner’s Name], I am looking forward to our date and I really enjoy hanging out with you. But I want to tell you ahead of time, so there is no misunderstanding:  I don't want to have sex.  I want to wait until we have a chance to get to know each other and until I feel ready for next step. 

*** A girl cannot be the only one to command the relationship: make sure you listen to his opinions as well.  Remember: be personal, not cold.

The next two are directed specifically at overly aggressive men who could be potential rapists. They are not likely in a normal dating situation.  If you feel the need to say the next two scripts then most likely you should not be on the date with the guy. 

2. [Male Dating Partner’s Name], I am looking forward to our date.  I thought that I should tell you this in advance so there is no misunderstanding: I never have sex with a guy until we've dated for a long time (other options:  provide a length of time, state that you wish to remain a virgin until you marry, etc.).  I hope you weren't planning anything like that.  I still want to go out, but if you have changed your mind, I understand.

3. [Male Dating Partner’s Name], I am looking forward to our date.  I thought that I should tell you this in advance so there is no misunderstanding.  I am completely opposed to sex until (various options include: marriage, I've dated you for a certain period of time, we have developed the relationship to the degree that it seems meaningful to both of us, etc.).  I just want you to know I will not relent on this issue.  As my parents and I have agreed, I am prepared to report a sexual assault to the police (should one ever happen) and have you arrested for date rape.  I would also notify any other related authorities, such as academic institutions and the like so they could take appropriate disciplinary action.  As you can tell from my remarks, I am very serious about this matter.  If you are the nice guy I think you are (one who will respect my wishes), everything I just told you should not change how you feel about me.  I hope that I have not scared you away from me, because I am looking forward to our date and hope you still want to go out.  

“Red Flags”

The Red Flags section helps to point out behaviors that can be displayed throughout a dating relationship that girls or women may not always consciously notice at the beginning of a dating relationship.  It is often good to take a step back and consider if a guy is exhibiting such behaviors, which may suggest that he is too overbearing and aggressive. Sometimes the old principle applies “actions speak louder than words.”

4.     1.   If he never has a good thing to say about an ex – girlfriend.
    2.   Observe the words he uses: would you consider them to be sexist, violent,or
         hostile?  If the words are just complaints they may not be something to be
         concerned about, however, if they appear to be sexist or hostile in any way
         it could be a red flag about this person’s behavioral tendencies and
         specifically it could mean the male date is disrespectful to women and/or
         aggressive in relationship situations.
   3.   If he seems disrespectful to other girls/women.
   4.   If he tries to keep you a secret from his friends.
   5.   Depending upon your preference, his form of communication, as in text
         messaging versus phone calling, might be a red flag.
               a.  If he calls to try to get to know you, his reactions are completely on
                   the spot.  He does not have time to adjust an answer to what he
                   thinks you want to hear, such as through text messaging.
   6.    If he only speaks to you at nighttime / when he has been drinking.
   7.    Party vs. Dates – If he only asks you to meet him at a party rather than
          ever do anything outside of partying.
   8.    Pay attention to how he treats / talks about his mother –as to whether it is
          respectful or not.
   9.    If you wouldn’t want to bring him home to meet your family.
               a.  Do you think he could get along with your father or brother?
   10.  If there is a huge difference between how he acts in private and how he acts
         in public, or if he often shows up unannounced or uninvited to public or
         private events.
   11.  A guy’s future plans can tell a lot about him.  Ask about them.
   12.  Examine and evaluate his normal demeanor such as if he comes on “too
         strong” all of the time and never seems to listen to what you have to say.
   13.  Age may be a factor – if a guy is too old, then you may question his
         intentions for trying to date someone who is a lot younger.
   14.  In regards to alcohol, if you are intoxicated and he is sober and he keeps
         encouraging you to drink more or refills your drink, you may question his
         intentions.
   15.  If you have a different viewpoint and he gets intensely angry, cannot accept
          it, and/or seems controlling.
   16.  If he keeps dancing uncomfortably close to you at a party, this may be the
         way he makes his move.

Things that you can do to prevent date rape:

1.      1.   Actions speak louder than words: if you don’t want to have sex with him,
         don’t put off that vibe.  You need to think about how others will perceive
         your actions.
   2.   Use humor to bring up the subject, BUT be serious after some point so he
         knows to respect your wishes.
   3.   Don’t put yourself into a bad situation – make yourself accountable.
   4.   If you think you are getting yourself into a bad situation, invite other people /
         call a friend for help/ have a “backup plan” (state to him,  “I have something
         to do in the morning so I must go home early.”).
   5.   If he brings up going back to his place, establish boundaries at the
         beginning. (He may just want to watch a movie but it is better to make your
         intentions clear.)
   6.   When discussing the topic, use an appropriate tone (i.e., serious and
         commanding).
   7.   Introduce him to your friends and get their opinions / see how he acts
         around them.
   8.    After you get into a relationship, make sure to watch his control level.  For
          example, if he slowly takes you away from your friends / gets really jealous
          of your guy friends, you may want to reexamine the relationship.
   9.    Your friends’ perception of him could be a crucial factor – if they hate him,
          you may again want to reexamine the relationship.
  10.    Have your friends know where you are going. Introduce him to your
          friends and see what their first impression of him is.
  11.   Be friends with the guy first, if possible, and try and get to know him.
  12.   Be aware that people can change over time; for example, a guy from your
          hometown could come back very different after a year at college.
  13.   Look out for the “perfect front” – at the beginning of a relationship it is
          often hard to see any of the bad things; however, make sure you remember
          to look "outside the box” and try to pick up on any tendencies he may have
          that could be a problem later on in the relationship.
  14.   Remember: If he likes you enough, he will respect your decisions and
          opinions. 
  15.   Be careful when alcohol or other substances are involved – people can act
         VERY differently when they are under the influence. Do not be alone with
          him until you know how he will act under these circumstances, and discuss
          your values before you are alone together.
  16.   If the guy tries to repeatedly touch you on the first date, you shouldn’t take
          the situation anywhere private.
  17.   If you are curious about a guy, ask other people if they know anything
         about him: about what kind of guy he is going to be, either a good guy or a
         player.
  18.   If the guy has a Facebook profile, look at it to see if his online personality
          matches his “in person” identity.